You’ve seen it. You thought to yourself, “What are they doing? Don’t they know how that looks?” No, they don’t. But you do. Whether it’s that emotional drama queen or the creepy guy you know who has song lyrics tattooed on his forearm, these people have being antisocial down to an art form. Now they’ve put there skills to status updates and let the world see what you already knew – that these peeps are awkward.
And you’ve wondered how do they do it? What’s their secret? Too long have you thought to yourself, “How can I become a social pariah?” Search no more! Here now are the keys to becoming completely inept at status updates and showing everyone that if they accept that friend request from you they had better get ready for a wild ride.
- Third-person narratives – Posting as an observer of your own life such as “that moment you realize ….” or “when you ….” This alone won’t get you shunned but do this enough and you are definitely on your way to sitting alone in the lunchroom.
- Political Incorrectness – Ask Paula Dean about this one.
- Incorrect Politicalness – Yeah I made that word up. It means sharing your opinion on politics/current events when you have no idea what in the world you are talking about.
- Mirror shots – Nothing tells the world you have no friends like standing in front of a bathroom mirror taking pictures of yourself. You can really add a layer of creepy by making sure you have a bunch of junk piled on your counter tops. Toss in a comment like,”Anyone like the new goatee?” or “I’m not just too sure about this shirt. Do these stripes make me look fat? I mean I know I am, but does this make it obvious?” They’ll be no doubt now how desperate you look to everyone.
- “Like” posts inappropriately – What’s that? Your grandma just died? LIKE. You just lost your job? LIKE. Car finally broke down? LIKE. You get the picture. A great way to stifle relationships is being “liking” the worst moments in people’s lives. At first they’ll think your being nice, but the more they think about they’ll soon begin to wonder what the heck is wrong with you.
- Address pronouns – Forget talking to actually people on Facebook, just talk to vague pronouns. Save tagging people in posts for the cool kids. Tell the world your sanity is slowly eroding and you are nothing but impulse and emotion with a post such this:
And that’s how it works. Now go out there and make us all realize that we can be just as uncomfortable on the Internet as we can in real conversations.